I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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