I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
