my phone needs a breathalizer
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I didn't notice because vodka
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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