On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
