Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
