yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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