She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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