Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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