Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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