I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize