I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There r osticjed everywhere
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
