I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
