they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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