I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
