This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
