Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
