My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
