I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
