shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
