I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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