i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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