Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
