I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
