No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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