90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
