goodnight i made you a song goodbye
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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