turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
