when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
