He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
