If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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