No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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