I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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