drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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