Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You took a bar mat shot.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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