I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she pinky promised me she was 18
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
