My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
