Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
