Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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