you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
