Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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