i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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