if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize