"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm at about main and main street
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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