he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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