Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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