Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
