my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
