It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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