ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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