I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
