1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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