If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
