how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
