In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
