I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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