i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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