haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
