Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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