um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
